It happened again. And it didn’t surprise me that it happened again.

Earlier that night, I had reacted to how my husband handled a situation with one of our children. And my reaction was total disapproval. Without thinking through my response, and worse, without praying about it, I instead observed, judged and reacted. And, unsurprisingly, my outrage was unfounded. 

I realized I had been subconsciously keeping count of the times I’d disagreed with his discipline for a long time. Sometimes I’d discuss it with him, and other times I would silently tuck it away in my memory to come back to when I felt it necessary. And it was this quiet “keeping score” that caused me to observe, judge and react on this particular night.

I had been holding on to instances from the past that I perceived as his parenting failures. Simply holding on to these perceived wrongdoings meant I never forgave him for any of his previous “mistakes.” Further, he wasn’t even aware of my feelings about them until now, when I self-righteously scolded him for doing the wrong thing ... again.

Jesus tells us, “If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions.” (Mt 6:14–15)

When we operate in the realm of unforgiveness in marriage, our hearts become hardened. In this case, instead of discussing a better approach, it became a situation where it was me versus him, with me as the self-proclaimed perfect parent.

I think this is what Jesus means when he says, “neither will your Father forgive your transgressions.” How can our Lord pierce my heart with his love if it remains hardened in unforgiveness? And if I don’t allow the Lord to pierce my heart with his love, how can I love my spouse as well?

Thankfully, in our situation, the stakes weren’t dire and we worked everything out. But the whole experience was a good reminder for me that “love does not brood over injury.” (1 Cor. 13:5) Forgiving our spouse helps us reset the “score,” while patience, which is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, helps us respond rather than react to disagreements in our marriages. 

[Love] is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury.” (1 Cor 13:5)
 

Jane Fawcett is a freelance writer and copy editor for Catholic businesses and organizations (jfawcettcommunications.com).